I’m posting this for safe keeping for myself. I’ve never blogged before and I don’t suppose anyone need read it. But I like the idea that I can look back on this and smile.
Life has been crazy over the past year. Pregnancy, birth of our wonderful second daughter, selling our house, moving in with my parents, my husband found God (what… amazing, hallelujah!), I’ve grown exponentially in my walk with God, we are building a new house, raising children, life carries on. The girls are growing and changing in spectacular ways. We’ve made amazing new friends and grown in relationship with old friends. Slowly the lens by which we view the world has shifted and everything we do and don’t do is God tinted. We’ve grown slowly, but steadily in relationship at church. We’ve grown so much in our marriage. Such joy!
Yet there’s been so much angst, so much questioning – should we do x or y, move here or there, am I doing this whole Christian thing right? Working too much? Not enough? Parenting right? Why did we sell our house?! How about my marriage, how are we doing? Two little children can be hard on a marriage, so hard, so many tears, frustrations, fear, then joy, God, and growth. When I reflect and step back I see that God has been here all along, guiding us, loving us, completly carrying us in so many instances. Soon there will be more transition.
In just a few months Ella turns 3, we move into our brand new home (thank you Jesus!) and Emmie will be one year old. So much excitement. So much anticipation. I think my words of wisdom to myself are to enjoy. Relax. Be present. You are enough and God loves you. These sound so cliche but for me, they are so true. My latest anxious thoughts are around the unbelievable goodness of Jesus and feeling like I’m somehow doing it wrong, missing the mark. I have extra time (well, sort of) and I want to live the life I think Jesus asks of us. I want to be a “true” servant. For some reason working part time, volunteering at church and serving my family (caring for my sweet husband, 2 year old and 8 month old certainly feels like 24/7 service most days) but these don’t count in my mind, specifically because loving on my family feels like a joy filled privilege. I feel like I could give more. I have felt called to serve in bigger ways – and as silly as it sounds I don’t want to somehow let God down. Perhaps opening our home to Foster Care is also in the near future. What an honor and privilege it would be to walk alongside children in need. What a huge undertaking though! If I’m honest I realize that I think we must not be doing enough if we are happy and not totally stressed out right..? Hmm no I suppose that’s not really what Gods getting at. Clearly I’m still a work in progress here. What ever our future holds I’m finally embracing living out the mission God has called me to.
I truly believe my mission is communing with God and being in relationship with him daily, serving the precious gifts he’s put in my life (dear husband and Ella and Em) and watching for – then making the most of -opportunities to love all His beloved children that I cross paths with, be that patient’s at work, new and old friends, family members, foster kids, brothers and sisters in Christ or complete strangers. I’m slowly grasping how much God loves me (although I still struggle with this), how much He delights in me and that its okay to let go and really enjoy this life he’s provided. Hallelujah, what a blessing! The words of James, “Count it all joy” 1:2 seem particularly true and sweet lately. I pray I can hold on to this and continue to keep my eyes on what matters and allow God to keep my heart filled with joy and thanksgiving, no matter the circumstance.